Sexuality While Being Demisexual, Part 1

Photo by Farrinni on Unsplash

Article Series Note and Content Warning: This is a multi part series on demisexual sexuality. Having a familiarity with demisexuality, either previously or having read my initial article on the subject would be necessary to understand some of the terms here, which I will not redefine in detail. These articles will explore in depth many of the aspects of human sexuality from a demisexual’s perspective, so hopefully beneficial if you are demisexual or have a demisexual partner you’d like to understand better. These will also be rather detailed and potentially graphic in discussing sexual paradigms and techniques (potentially NSFW). I also will be using mostly physiological terms that a quick Wikipedia search may help for the unfamiliar.

“If we all knew that we were all perverts, we might be a lot happier.”—Heather O’Neill

Maria lay on my sofa, basking in her post orgasmic bliss. I’d gone down on her and she had been satisfied. She was the younger sister of neighbor, and a friendship had blossomed in the preceding weeks and during a moment of friendly hanging out, she’d made it clear she was into me. I liked her, but wasn’t connected with her, being I was as a demisexual yet did not know the term or what I truly was. Also, I was only days from moving away with no expectation of continuing things with her in this new direction. This wasn’t about my “getting off”, but rather sharing a human moment together. She reached for my belt buckle to undo it.

“Let’s just make tonight about you,” I expressed to her, stopping her attempt to undress me, and a playful smile spread across her lips. I just wanted to please her. I did.

As a demisexual, sexual intimacy can be quite complicated. Demisexuality is, put simply, the capacity for sexual attraction to others only once a deep emotional bond has been formed, called connection. We are on the spectrum of asexuality, with thoses that completly lack sexual attraction to others, and differ from their polar opposite, allosexuality, which is normal human sexual attraction based on physical observation. This basic difference, which is a valid difference, makes sex a different experience for us. We are not inclined to hook up, as our sexual nature is substantially different than most, and far from what many would deem as normal. We simply don’t see someone who is aesthetically attractive and have a desire to be sexual with them initially. But, when we have spent time with, communicated and experienced life with someone, the established emotional bond can flood us with as much sexual desire as anyone can experience.

But capacity of attraction is very much different than sexual drive itself. Libido is that sexual drive. A demisexual can have sexual yearnings without having a partner or even someone they are currently sexually attracted too. A demisexual can also be quite touch and sex phobic, as a result of how they are sexually wired, or as a result of deeply emotional and often traumatic past experiences. For some, sexuality can be limited to only self stimulation, such as masturbation, as well as enjoyment of erotic literature or even adult films. The discussion of the “use of pornography” can be quite convoluted and divisive among many people, but the nature of how erotica is approached will differ in many demisexuals, as some will be able to abstract themselves from the imagery, while others will envision themselves interacting with a theoretical partner. The difference is how we feel attraction to someone in real life, once connection has been formed.

But libido capacity speaks to the nature of sexual interaction with a partner, and I find myself drawing on the amazing resource videos by sexologist and intimacy coach Betty Martin, and her Wheel of Consent. I’ll offer a brief break down of the four sexual dynamics she discusses:

Giving (or serving): This is an active doing and giving act. Giving a sensual massage, service topping and performing oral intercourse are examples of acts that are done with the explicit intention of pleasing your partner.

Taking: This is an active doing and receiving act, such as active topping / domination, body worship, and playing with a partners body sexually.

Receiving: This is an passive being done to and receiving act, the counterpoint to giving, simply put lying back and enjoying being serviced, such as receiving oral intercourse, bottoming or being submissive.

Allowing: This is an passive being done to and giving act, the counterpoint to taking, such as service bottoming, allowing a partner to explore your body and be played with.

The point of sharing these is that they do much to express the complete range of sexual dynamics that we can experience as a sexual being, and sexual intimacy can often involve some if not all of them in a single shared experience. Yet, for some demisexuals, their attraction will only extend to the notion of allowing a sexual act to be done, because of a fairly sex phobic nature being overwhelmed by their rare sexual attraction to a partner with whom they’ve established a connection. While for many demisexuals, we often fall into the giving and serving dynamic, as our desire to please a partner becomes very powerful once the connection has occurred.

But sexual attraction is not required for sexual expression. As demisexuals, we are still human beings and the benefits of sexual activity are numerous, such as improving our immune system, reducing stress, pain and blood pressure, and even improving bladder control in women and helping to prevent enlarged prostates and cancer in men. But physiologically, sex can allow demisexuals to feel more human and normal, and some of us can and will have sex with ex partners, friends and the like for the emotional release and the sensual affection that can accompany it. Full asexuals have also been know to do the same, despite lacking attraction. Sexual dysfunction connected to lack of sexual attraction can inhibit some sexual capabilities, but simply defining sex as only penis-in-vagina or other penetrative acts and the rest as foreplay, is inherently sexist and dismissive of the immense range of human sexuality. Sometimes it comes down to a simple desire to get off with someone, or get someone else off, that is simply needed… often a more complicated reality for us.

Now let’s say you have an intimate partner, either via the often challenging process of dating as a demisexual, or having discovered a relationship via an emotional connection with a friend. Regardless of past experience, ability or talent, the two most fundamental concerns for being a good lover are simply establishing consent and having good communication with your partner. There is entirely too much shame about your sexual needs. Western society is steeped in a morass of guilt and insecurity about being sexual beings, yet this is unique only to the human animal. What hidden desire stimulates us is probably not unique, and to misappropriate on old Bible verse, there is nothing new under the sun.

In regards to establishing consent, it is necessary to understand there are two levels, clearly established and communicated consent by a partner, and when their actions are showing that they are not truly able to give consent, such as being drunk, otherwise impaired or emotionally-damaged. As a good partner, it is necessary to respect both, as not even marriage or a BDSM-related relationship grant you sovereign rights of the body of an intimate partner. Even during mind-blowing sex, consent can be withdrawn at any time, and not respecting that could devastate and destroy of persons sense of body autonomy. Asking for consent, may not seem sexy, but assuming it can damage a healthy relationship.

In much a connecting manner, this leads into communication of needs and desires. Communication in all aspect of a sexual relationship, any relationship really, is essential. No one is a perfect lover to everyone at first, and often it takes a couple intimate encounters to figure out how to touch and please a lover in the ways they need. This is an area where hookup culture fails, because that kind of sex is typically only for personal gratification. As a demisexual, we need a bit more.

In really comes down to open and vulnerable communication. The heat of the moment may lead to difficulty initially opening this conversation, but post-coital bonding is an ideal time to open a dialogue about what worked or didn’t. In the kink scene, this is called aftercare and is just as valuable an experience for even the most vanilla of trysts. But, prior to that, use your intuition. If your partner is responding to your actions, continue. If they aren’t switch it up. A simple “is this good” can go a long way. This simple inquiry can often open the flood gates, as simply asking a partner about their needs can achieve both greater emotional intimacy and often encourage exploration of what they truly enjoy but may be nervous to share.

What about communicating your needs? That can be tricky if you don’t know what you like, so time and experience may be needed. There is an abundance of selfish lovers out there, and many simply won’t care about what you need. If you share that you don’t enjoy something they do, or something that they are unwilling to try within reason, then you are again dealing with a potentially selfish lover. The desire to try to be a skilled lover, having the capacity to be giving in nature and being willing to step out of your comfort zone to try new things for your partners pleasure, or your own, can be summed up and being good, giving and game… an imperfect term but denoting a partner who is likely to be a more compatible, and reciprocal lover with others. You can’t change the nature of your partners, if they are unwilling to change. Asking someone to try doing something different isn’t an antagonistic action if done in a non-accusatory manner. Maybe offer something like “can we try this like this” to try to communicate your desires.

But a great deal of people have a weird sense of pride in their assumed sexual prowess. Despite the irony of shame, some people will not deal well with the requests to change how they perform sexually as it diminishes some sense of their ego. I remember an ex girlfriend who was offended when I asked her to stop doing something that was causing me quite displeasurable pain, and it angered her greatly that I dared to question her skill at sex. News flash, people, most people aren’t amazing lovers, but most have the capacity to become good lovers, if not great, via communication. Just because a past partner loved what you did doesn’t mean the next one will. Something you do, that may be quite adept with one, could trigger some deep anxiety or discomfort in another. I can think of several past lovers that felt uncomfortable about my going down on them, mostly due to societal misogynist fears about a woman’s natural scent, but also by the words and actions of their past loved ones and partners. As being able to do this with a partner is important to me, in time they learned to appreciate the experience, due to my simply working within their comfort levels, exploring, experimenting and eventually showing them that nothing bad was going to happen—quite the opposite really and all initiated via open and vulnerable communication.

Still, some will never step back from what they want and are willing to do, despite being fundamentally incompatible with your needs. It may be time, as a demisexual, to cease sexual intimacy with such a partner, as disconnection is often inevitable with this kind of a partner.

Great, but what about initiating sexual intimacy with a reciprocal and open partner? Again, having a partner doesn’t guarantee sex on demand ever. There are many factors that can affect a persons sexual desire. Work, family concerns, money worries, health and physical exhaustion all can dramatically impact anyone’s desire and even ability to sexually perform. A lot of undue pressure is put on people who are cisgender male about being a man. Erectile dysfunction is very common, and even one occurrence can be devastating. It is important to understand that there are many factors that can cause erectile dysfunction, and for a demisexual male, disconnection (even temporarily) is one more. Taking a partner’s sexual dysfunction personally, and communicating that to them is possibly the worst response you can have and often guaranteeing that it will continue to happen. There are many other things that can be done to build and share sexual intimacy together. Still, gender aside, sexual dysfunction can and often will affect everyone as some point in their life.

If you fear your partner may not be up for sex, instead of directly asking for it first, instead ask how they feel. A sincere inquiry into their well being can change the perception of being asked for sex to be more sincere desire and attraction, and less personal expectation. But do ask, if you think the answer may be yes. If sex is off the table, it may be worthwhile to ask if they’d like to cuddle and spend some time together in a more affectionate manner. A little time nuzzling, kissing and holding each other can be equally wonderful, and even potentially ignite a quenched fire—but don’t expect it will, just be happy if the embers do kindle. This will also do much to strengthen your emotional intimacy.

Another important thing to consider, if your partner needs to stop in the middle of sex, or is unable to continue whether due to dysfunction or negative emotional response, no matter how close you are to orgasming or how much you want to continue, remember that their needs are also important. So many potentially healthy relationships are destroyed but this foolish mistake. It can be very frustrating to you, but can be equally soul crushing to verbally berate them of this. It will be the words you state in that moment that they will remembered more clearly than most, and resonate in their head the next time… if there is even a next time. If you choose to break them down, they you may caustically destroy their ability to be vulnerable with you.

We, as demisexuals, connect via emotional bond. Sexual intimacy is a very powerful way to cement that bond, if done in an open and supportive way.

This is the first article of this series, explaining “what”. Next will be more an exploration of “how” and later “why not”.

Safety, Sanity and True Consent

Understanding When Yes Really Means No

Photo by John Matychuk on Unsplash

Trigger warning: Sexual trauma and rape is discussed

“To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.”— George MacDonald

Jennie whispered, “Yes, Daddy,” as she knelt onto the foot of her bed. She was completely nude, with a crosshatching of reddened skin across her back, painted by my flogging. I wrapped my arms around her and kissing the nape of her neck, her long black hair swept forward. She trembled slightly and I could feel her pulse quickening. Despite being in the scene, everything was tender and loving. It was our first play session, and we were just starting our exploration.

I took a small wooden paddle and caressed her bottom with it, then I applied a small little slap. She jerked slightly, but seemed deep in subspace. I switched cheeks and gave another light slap. I wanted her to feel the sensation but I wasn’t trying to cause pain. I needed to find her comfort zone and see where she responded best. After two more slaps I saw that she was sobbing quietly. In that instant she began closing in on herself and I knew something was terribly wrong.

I immediately stopped play and started aftercare for her, and after a couple minutes she was relaxed enough to say “That hurt so much.” I was confused as the impacts were so light, that I couldn’t conceive of them actually hurting. She was an active submissive, with many dominant play partners, and she loved very rough edgeplay way beyond my comfort level. I asked her why she didn’t use our safeword, being that we had two, one to indicate she was getting close to a limit, and another that she needed it to stop. She said she had used the former, but her head and mine were mere inches from each other during the scene and I would have heard even a whisper. She wanted to continue play but I told her the scene was over. She may have wanted to go on, but her whole being was saying no, loud and clear.

As we talked, Jennie started telling me more about her other scenes. She said she didn’t use safewords with others because she felt like she would be failing somehow. She spoke of letting another dominant beat her with a baseball bat, another choke her, not by the still dangerous technique of cutting off blood circulation, but actually squeezing her neck until she couldn’t breath. She spoke positively about letting men have unprotected sex with her after showing their clean STI test results on print outs—even though a twelve year old could fake one with Photoshop in a few minutes. She shared things even worse, and I was stunned how deep she was down the rabbit hole.

It became clear to me what was wrong. Jennie had experienced a few violent sexual traumas when younger and much of her sexual adventures had been to recreate and gain strength over those events. I really cared about this intelligent, beautiful younger woman, and she wanted me as a mentor to help her explore new things. What was at conflict is that my actions came from a loving place, and the other dominants had been using her as a toy to abuse and throw away. She even reacted negatively to some of my affectionate caressing, and anything that wasn’t degrading to her caused her discomfort. My being gentle was hurting her. This realization distressed me deeply, and I safeworded within my own self. I withdrew my consent as she was unable to.

I left that evening, with a goodbye kiss, feeling very conflicted and empty. I realize I needed some aftercare myself. I broke things off a week later, the day of the our next planned date and scene, expressing my fear to her that I couldn’t be with her and watch her get hurt on her self-destructive path. She was going to catch a permanent STI, be badly injured or even killed. She was engaging in very dangerous edgeplay on the first meetings with new men, and receiving outright physical trauma. I had held off our first scene until after spending some time together, and having met her one other time. I wanted a real connection, not a fuck toy. We were completely incompatible.

Dr. Bettie Martin’s work, particularly her four quadrant wheel of consent, discusses the complicated nature of consent. I realized that with Jennie offering continued consent to play wasn’t something that I could consent to. I had protect myself from the emotional distress of needing to physically hurt her to satisfy her wants, at the cost of my own emotional well being. I needed to protect myself from someone whose self-harming activities stood to harm me in very real ways. The BDSM community, despite the more common focus of SSC (Safe, Sane and Consensual) play, has it’s harder side. I’m not going to judge anyone who with informed consent, diligent preparation and precautionary measures, chooses to engage in negotiated responsible edgeplay, also often called RACK (Risk-Aware Consensual Kink). Edgeplay belongs with experienced partners that have grown to trust one another. It’s really not a good idea to act out an unprotected violent rape scene with a complete stranger from the Internet, and I can’t watch someone I care for gamble with her life to her ruin.

Being safe and sane, and understanding consent, isn’t just for kink oriented relationships. Another past vanilla partner ended our relationship over a matter of me declining her consent.

When I arrived at Carrie’s house, she seemed a bit disheveled. She’d been working hard all day on work for a client, and hadn’t slept enough. Our usual routine, being we only had one night a week usually, was to go for a walk maybe to a local tavern or restaurant, then walk back for some alone time. As soon as we started walking, I noticed that she was a bit hesitant to hold my hand. Something was eating at her, but she wasn’t forthcoming about it. Carrie was a bit older than me and extremely thin. Much like myself, she’d lost a tremendous amount of weight and was very focused on remaining thin. I often thought she was too thin, but others have commented the same for me, so I kept those thoughts to myself. I loved her, and that’s what mattered to me. When we got to our local haunt, she slid into the booth across from me. She’d never done that since the night we’d met. We usually sat beside each other, stealing little kisses and enjoying holding one another. She continued to seem off, and very unhappy. She mentioned not feeling well, being tired and stressed over and over again.

After a bit, we headed back, and I commented that all the going out had caused me to gain a few pounds and that I was now working to lose it again. She immediately responded that she was unhappy about having gained two pounds, and she was visible distressed by this. In our conversation, the obsession she had with these two pounds made it quite clear she wasn’t just too thin, she had anorexia nervosa. I suggested maybe next time we skip the food and just go for some hikes to solve our extra poundage concerns. She seemed a bit relieved at the idea, but there was still a distance in her eyes.

When we got to her door, I said that I think we should call it a night so she could get the rest that she kept reiterating that she needed. I was uncomfortable how much she was on guard, and I wanted to respect the needs of my partner. She said that I had to come in, and the subtext of her request was that we needed to have sex, despite every indication prior to that being to the contrary. I didn’t feel remotely like being intimate, despite loving her and finding her very sexy. I repeated that I really should go home and she should get some sleep, we’d make up for it next time. She yelled “Fine!” and slammed the door in my face. She went silent on communication and dumped me via text the a few days later.

No always mean no. If you missed it, no always means no. In these two experiences I’ve shared, I learned that yes can sometimes also mean no. I was saying no, because it was the right thing to do, it honored the needs of myself and my partners. There are so many people who engage in unhealthy sexual activities for so many reasons. I have had too many nights where my need to just have a human moment, to feel another’s touch and to just have sexual release has caused me to makes poor choices of encounters that I later regretted having. Loneliness is one of the biggest abusers of self respect and wise choices. I don’t regret saying no these two times, and I have said no many more times than that to a wrong yes.

One of the hardest things about being sexual, is just being conscientious about the experiences we have. When in the mood, so many things can seem like a good idea, and later something you hang your head in shame over. Safety for yourself and your partner is so critical. Making sane choices, and making sure that you are doing what you can to increases the beneficial enjoyment for your partners, and yourself, is also paramount. Knowing when to not continue with a willing partner, despite wanting to, is not a easy thing to do. I miss what could have been with Jennie. I miss what I did have with Carrie. I will never know if I could have handled these things in a better way, for a more positive result. I was true to myself, being a giving loving partner, and I can only say that I did what I felt was right for both of them and me. I would do it again.

Cold showers and lonely hearts are better than taking someone where they can’t go in a healthy way.

Good Manners For Dining At The Y

Constructive Thoughts On That Most Intimate Kiss

Photo by Christopher Campbell on Unsplash

Content Warning: This is a rather detailed and potentially graphic article discussing sexual techniques (NSFW). I also will be using mostly physiological terms that a quick Wikipedia search may help for the unfamiliar.

“Cunnilingus is a girl’s best friend. Cunnilingus is life. Everything else is just waiting. An orgasm during cunnilingus turns you into an angel. You grow wings and glimpse paradise.”—Chloe Thurlow

She arched her back and cried out once more, the sweat dripping from her body onto the bed sheets. My hands where upon her breasts, wrapped around her thighs, but the rest of me was much lower. Looking up at her heaving body was a glorious sight to see, and the joy I felt wasn’t in my own physical pleasure but in the idea that I was pleasing her, making this moment about her needs and wants. I could see that she was spent, so I stopped my intimate attentions and just listened her breathing. “I didn’t know I could have multiples,” she gasped as I smiled up at her and said nothing, but held her feeling it a little bittersweet that she’d only learnt this about herself now, but pleased I could share it with her. Ten minutes later we were fast asleep, me holding her close. I’d felt satisfied on an emotional level, and was contented with our time together.

Human sexuality is a complex thing, and as a source of so many comedians, also a source of conflict. Heteronormative attitudes place such a focus of coitus, penis in vagina sex, that much of human sexual expression is minimized into the dreaded f-word—foreplay. As Eloise Stark’s eloquent article stated:

The term foreplay is very much the result of the heterosexual penetrative way sex is defined in our culture, which treats penis-in-vagina penetration as the core of sexual interactions.

Cunnilingus is often downplayed as merely an appetizer to the main event, when in truth it very much stands alone on its own beauty and merit. As someone who has a complex identity with my own sexual needs and wants, performing cunnilingus on women with whom I’ve been intimate has often been my favorite form of sexual expression.

I will make this disclaimer in this article: I refer to women as those people physically possessing of a vagina, in whatever states that is, whether cisgender, transgender, intersex or any other non-binary identity. Much of what I share here could be applied to any person, and I don’t wish to be minimizing to anyone. I will be speaking more in regards to the plumbing, and not the person. This is more to not require extensive clarification each and everything time I simply use woman as a reference to a partner.

That clarified, society has done an ugly job of making many women dismiss their sexuality, and view their body, as inherently disgusting. A woman in full embrace of her own sexuality is a glorious thing to behold, her body doubly so. There is nothing gross or dirty about human sexuality, and believing so is only doing a disservice to yourself. A woman is beautiful, and a goddess within her own right, and definitely worthy of consensual worship.

Unfortunately, cunnilingus is an area many simply don’t know how to do, and many woman haven’t been able to enjoy it performed competently. A large part of this disconnect is the disservice that the adult entertainment industry has done to show patently poor techniques for this amazing intimate act. Remember, porn exists for the imagery, not the actors. The comedic portrayal of a softly flicking and visible tongue isn’t going to get the job done right for the vast majority.

So, what are sound techniques? Well, for start, no two women are exactly alike. It’s in the process that you can find out what works for them. Some women have hang ups about their body, their ability to relax and enjoy the experience of a competent tongue working it’s magic could take several sessions to yield its ecstatic fruits, or possibly never. But if the intention is to provide as much sincere pleasure as possible, then the experience should be good for everyone. I will outline some basics things to try:

Work your way there. Particularly if this is your first time with this partner, take a bit of time getting to the deep South. Start with kissing her lips passionately, followed by nuzzling and kissing her neck, breasts, navel, and culminating with her inner thighs. Brush your lips gently against her skin, as if to hint at what’s to come. Diving right in can be jarring and a bit of teasing can be fun to slowing build up anticipation. Those last few moments before reaching her can really build up sensitivity and expectation. Don’t neglect kissing around the region of the labia majora and mons pubis. Your hands should be used to caress her torso and thighs as well, as you move to her clitoral hood.

Explore slowly. The initial focus should be on direct stimulation of the clitoris. Each woman is anatomically different, and some people place too much effort on hair removal and the visibility of the labia minora, but as long as a woman is healthy and hygienic, her vulva is beautiful and perfect as it is. Some will have a larger clitoral hood, where as some will have a nearly completely exposed clitoris. A woman’s weight, past and present, can affect the geography, but it is up to you to be a stalwart adventurer in discovering her treasures within. Lift up her clitoral hood with your tongue, or if needed pulling the skin taught on her mons pubis and start moving your tongue around and across her clitoris rhythmically. There is a silly technique that inexperienced people often employ where they will write out the alphabet with their tongue, but most women will want you to buy a vowel! Stick with consistent linear or circular motion. Some women will enjoy you sliding her tongue up inside of her, if you can. Believe it or not, occasional stretching of your tongue, by trying to reach your nose or chin, can help strengthen and make your tongue more limber. If you are blessed with a longer tongue, a lot of deeper exploration can occur, to the bliss of your partner. Also, encompass the vulva with your mouth. Another synonym of cunnilingus is cunnilinctus mean linking of the mouth to the vagina. The further away you are from her vulva, the less capability your tongue has. Sometimes humming slightly can increase her stimulation. Keep varying techniques slowly until she is responding. Don’t be afraid to ask if something is working, or not working. Make this experience all about her sensation and ecstasy.

If it’s working, don’t change anything. The classic rookie move is to speed up your tongue movement as she is responding more—don’t! If she is enjoying herself, keep it constant and steady. As mentioned before, a lot of ugly attitudes can make even the seemingly most confident woman have insecurities that can hamper her ability to relax and climax. Keep things consistent if she is responding. It is entirely possible that she might not be able to climax at first, but try your best to give her as much pleasure as possible. If things get messy, who cares, just keep going. Your tongue can and will become tired in longer sessions, but I promise it won’t fall off. You will not get a case of “carpal tongual syndrome”, and more practice will increase your stamina. If she does reach orgasm, hold on to her thighs and brace for anything. Some women climax gracefully, some damn near buck like a bronco. Ride through and keep going. She may have more orgasms in her, so why not help her enjoy them? It’s entirely possible that she may actually ejaculate, colloquially know as squirting. Nothing coming out will not be sterile, so don’t sweat it. She may become too sensitive, and motion or ask you to stop at any point. If she does, immediately stop and withdraw slowing as her sensitivity may border on painful.

There’s also more than just the clitoris. While you are engaged in cunnilingus, let your hands explore and caress her body. If you have one, or both, hands free then use them to search out and tease or gently pinch her nipples. This can do much to enhance her sensation if she enjoys this. Caress her body lovingly, lightly dragging your fingertips, maybe your nails across her tummy or outer thighs. Sliding free fingers inside her and gentle stimulation of particularly the anterior vagina wall can also heighten her pleasure, perhaps by moving your fingers right to left. By all means make sure you have trimmed nails without sharp edges. Invest in a good nail set if you don’t own one, maybe even a manicure. Make love to her in every way you can.

Use caution if going further South. Cunnilingus can be followed with anilingus, also knows as analingus or more vulgarly “eating ass”, but caution and preparation must be considered. Unlike the vagina, a host of unpleasant bacteria thrive around the back door. Douching, more accurately called enemas, can mediate these risks. Don’t base your ideas on what’s safe with the content of modern erotica as those performers take a lot of precautions. Typically if you tongue her anus you’ll want to leave the vagina alone, so make the choice to return only if she’s bathed, cleaned out and is completely okay with the risks. I could write an entire article about this particular act, but that isn’t my focus now.

There are also concerns of safer sex practices with dining down below. Sex in any form can carry risk of sexually transmitted infection. Obviously, getting tested is a necessity, but with newer partners there are ways you can protect each other. Dental dams can be used as a protective barrier, with a drop of lube on the vaginal side can increase comfort and natural sensation. Simply hold the dam with one widely spread hand over the vulva region and dive in. This is also an option if your partner is concerned with her menstrual cycle, which is a personal choice and concern. Plastic wrap can serve in a pinch if you don’t have dams. The point is to have fun, as well as protect one another. Experiment, laugh a little and enjoy each other.

The nature of oral copulation has the giver in the “doing” side of consent, as illustrated by Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent yet can be a great source of emotional and sensual pleasure for the giver as well. Reciprocity should factor in healthy sexual relationships though. Many of us have had selfish partners that wanted to be pampered like royalty, but not return the favor. It can feel very good to take care of a person’s sexual fulfillment, but if your needs aren’t also being met it can grow empty and later emotionally painful. Always strive to give as good as you get, if not better.

It may seem odd for a man to be sharing this, but cunnilingus is an area of great personal interest and past sexual exploration for me. I have loved pleasing past partners, and that was much my motivation to finding better ways to increase their pleasure, and hopefully happiness as well. Fulfilling fantasies and satisfying needs has the benefits of it’s own emotion rewards and can do much to improve sexual intimacy and emotional connection. Communication is always critical, but good orgasms don’t hurt either.

Happy diving!