Sexuality While Being Demisexual, Part 1

Photo by Farrinni on Unsplash

Article Series Note and Content Warning: This is a multi part series on demisexual sexuality. Having a familiarity with demisexuality, either previously or having read my initial article on the subject would be necessary to understand some of the terms here, which I will not redefine in detail. These articles will explore in depth many of the aspects of human sexuality from a demisexual’s perspective, so hopefully beneficial if you are demisexual or have a demisexual partner you’d like to understand better. These will also be rather detailed and potentially graphic in discussing sexual paradigms and techniques (potentially NSFW). I also will be using mostly physiological terms that a quick Wikipedia search may help for the unfamiliar.

“If we all knew that we were all perverts, we might be a lot happier.”—Heather O’Neill

Maria lay on my sofa, basking in her post orgasmic bliss. I’d gone down on her and she had been satisfied. She was the younger sister of neighbor, and a friendship had blossomed in the preceding weeks and during a moment of friendly hanging out, she’d made it clear she was into me. I liked her, but wasn’t connected with her, being I was as a demisexual yet did not know the term or what I truly was. Also, I was only days from moving away with no expectation of continuing things with her in this new direction. This wasn’t about my “getting off”, but rather sharing a human moment together. She reached for my belt buckle to undo it.

“Let’s just make tonight about you,” I expressed to her, stopping her attempt to undress me, and a playful smile spread across her lips. I just wanted to please her. I did.

As a demisexual, sexual intimacy can be quite complicated. Demisexuality is, put simply, the capacity for sexual attraction to others only once a deep emotional bond has been formed, called connection. We are on the spectrum of asexuality, with thoses that completly lack sexual attraction to others, and differ from their polar opposite, allosexuality, which is normal human sexual attraction based on physical observation. This basic difference, which is a valid difference, makes sex a different experience for us. We are not inclined to hook up, as our sexual nature is substantially different than most, and far from what many would deem as normal. We simply don’t see someone who is aesthetically attractive and have a desire to be sexual with them initially. But, when we have spent time with, communicated and experienced life with someone, the established emotional bond can flood us with as much sexual desire as anyone can experience.

But capacity of attraction is very much different than sexual drive itself. Libido is that sexual drive. A demisexual can have sexual yearnings without having a partner or even someone they are currently sexually attracted too. A demisexual can also be quite touch and sex phobic, as a result of how they are sexually wired, or as a result of deeply emotional and often traumatic past experiences. For some, sexuality can be limited to only self stimulation, such as masturbation, as well as enjoyment of erotic literature or even adult films. The discussion of the “use of pornography” can be quite convoluted and divisive among many people, but the nature of how erotica is approached will differ in many demisexuals, as some will be able to abstract themselves from the imagery, while others will envision themselves interacting with a theoretical partner. The difference is how we feel attraction to someone in real life, once connection has been formed.

But libido capacity speaks to the nature of sexual interaction with a partner, and I find myself drawing on the amazing resource videos by sexologist and intimacy coach Betty Martin, and her Wheel of Consent. I’ll offer a brief break down of the four sexual dynamics she discusses:

Giving (or serving): This is an active doing and giving act. Giving a sensual massage, service topping and performing oral intercourse are examples of acts that are done with the explicit intention of pleasing your partner.

Taking: This is an active doing and receiving act, such as active topping / domination, body worship, and playing with a partners body sexually.

Receiving: This is an passive being done to and receiving act, the counterpoint to giving, simply put lying back and enjoying being serviced, such as receiving oral intercourse, bottoming or being submissive.

Allowing: This is an passive being done to and giving act, the counterpoint to taking, such as service bottoming, allowing a partner to explore your body and be played with.

The point of sharing these is that they do much to express the complete range of sexual dynamics that we can experience as a sexual being, and sexual intimacy can often involve some if not all of them in a single shared experience. Yet, for some demisexuals, their attraction will only extend to the notion of allowing a sexual act to be done, because of a fairly sex phobic nature being overwhelmed by their rare sexual attraction to a partner with whom they’ve established a connection. While for many demisexuals, we often fall into the giving and serving dynamic, as our desire to please a partner becomes very powerful once the connection has occurred.

But sexual attraction is not required for sexual expression. As demisexuals, we are still human beings and the benefits of sexual activity are numerous, such as improving our immune system, reducing stress, pain and blood pressure, and even improving bladder control in women and helping to prevent enlarged prostates and cancer in men. But physiologically, sex can allow demisexuals to feel more human and normal, and some of us can and will have sex with ex partners, friends and the like for the emotional release and the sensual affection that can accompany it. Full asexuals have also been know to do the same, despite lacking attraction. Sexual dysfunction connected to lack of sexual attraction can inhibit some sexual capabilities, but simply defining sex as only penis-in-vagina or other penetrative acts and the rest as foreplay, is inherently sexist and dismissive of the immense range of human sexuality. Sometimes it comes down to a simple desire to get off with someone, or get someone else off, that is simply needed… often a more complicated reality for us.

Now let’s say you have an intimate partner, either via the often challenging process of dating as a demisexual, or having discovered a relationship via an emotional connection with a friend. Regardless of past experience, ability or talent, the two most fundamental concerns for being a good lover are simply establishing consent and having good communication with your partner. There is entirely too much shame about your sexual needs. Western society is steeped in a morass of guilt and insecurity about being sexual beings, yet this is unique only to the human animal. What hidden desire stimulates us is probably not unique, and to misappropriate on old Bible verse, there is nothing new under the sun.

In regards to establishing consent, it is necessary to understand there are two levels, clearly established and communicated consent by a partner, and when their actions are showing that they are not truly able to give consent, such as being drunk, otherwise impaired or emotionally-damaged. As a good partner, it is necessary to respect both, as not even marriage or a BDSM-related relationship grant you sovereign rights of the body of an intimate partner. Even during mind-blowing sex, consent can be withdrawn at any time, and not respecting that could devastate and destroy of persons sense of body autonomy. Asking for consent, may not seem sexy, but assuming it can damage a healthy relationship.

In much a connecting manner, this leads into communication of needs and desires. Communication in all aspect of a sexual relationship, any relationship really, is essential. No one is a perfect lover to everyone at first, and often it takes a couple intimate encounters to figure out how to touch and please a lover in the ways they need. This is an area where hookup culture fails, because that kind of sex is typically only for personal gratification. As a demisexual, we need a bit more.

In really comes down to open and vulnerable communication. The heat of the moment may lead to difficulty initially opening this conversation, but post-coital bonding is an ideal time to open a dialogue about what worked or didn’t. In the kink scene, this is called aftercare and is just as valuable an experience for even the most vanilla of trysts. But, prior to that, use your intuition. If your partner is responding to your actions, continue. If they aren’t switch it up. A simple “is this good” can go a long way. This simple inquiry can often open the flood gates, as simply asking a partner about their needs can achieve both greater emotional intimacy and often encourage exploration of what they truly enjoy but may be nervous to share.

What about communicating your needs? That can be tricky if you don’t know what you like, so time and experience may be needed. There is an abundance of selfish lovers out there, and many simply won’t care about what you need. If you share that you don’t enjoy something they do, or something that they are unwilling to try within reason, then you are again dealing with a potentially selfish lover. The desire to try to be a skilled lover, having the capacity to be giving in nature and being willing to step out of your comfort zone to try new things for your partners pleasure, or your own, can be summed up and being good, giving and game… an imperfect term but denoting a partner who is likely to be a more compatible, and reciprocal lover with others. You can’t change the nature of your partners, if they are unwilling to change. Asking someone to try doing something different isn’t an antagonistic action if done in a non-accusatory manner. Maybe offer something like “can we try this like this” to try to communicate your desires.

But a great deal of people have a weird sense of pride in their assumed sexual prowess. Despite the irony of shame, some people will not deal well with the requests to change how they perform sexually as it diminishes some sense of their ego. I remember an ex girlfriend who was offended when I asked her to stop doing something that was causing me quite displeasurable pain, and it angered her greatly that I dared to question her skill at sex. News flash, people, most people aren’t amazing lovers, but most have the capacity to become good lovers, if not great, via communication. Just because a past partner loved what you did doesn’t mean the next one will. Something you do, that may be quite adept with one, could trigger some deep anxiety or discomfort in another. I can think of several past lovers that felt uncomfortable about my going down on them, mostly due to societal misogynist fears about a woman’s natural scent, but also by the words and actions of their past loved ones and partners. As being able to do this with a partner is important to me, in time they learned to appreciate the experience, due to my simply working within their comfort levels, exploring, experimenting and eventually showing them that nothing bad was going to happen—quite the opposite really and all initiated via open and vulnerable communication.

Still, some will never step back from what they want and are willing to do, despite being fundamentally incompatible with your needs. It may be time, as a demisexual, to cease sexual intimacy with such a partner, as disconnection is often inevitable with this kind of a partner.

Great, but what about initiating sexual intimacy with a reciprocal and open partner? Again, having a partner doesn’t guarantee sex on demand ever. There are many factors that can affect a persons sexual desire. Work, family concerns, money worries, health and physical exhaustion all can dramatically impact anyone’s desire and even ability to sexually perform. A lot of undue pressure is put on people who are cisgender male about being a man. Erectile dysfunction is very common, and even one occurrence can be devastating. It is important to understand that there are many factors that can cause erectile dysfunction, and for a demisexual male, disconnection (even temporarily) is one more. Taking a partner’s sexual dysfunction personally, and communicating that to them is possibly the worst response you can have and often guaranteeing that it will continue to happen. There are many other things that can be done to build and share sexual intimacy together. Still, gender aside, sexual dysfunction can and often will affect everyone as some point in their life.

If you fear your partner may not be up for sex, instead of directly asking for it first, instead ask how they feel. A sincere inquiry into their well being can change the perception of being asked for sex to be more sincere desire and attraction, and less personal expectation. But do ask, if you think the answer may be yes. If sex is off the table, it may be worthwhile to ask if they’d like to cuddle and spend some time together in a more affectionate manner. A little time nuzzling, kissing and holding each other can be equally wonderful, and even potentially ignite a quenched fire—but don’t expect it will, just be happy if the embers do kindle. This will also do much to strengthen your emotional intimacy.

Another important thing to consider, if your partner needs to stop in the middle of sex, or is unable to continue whether due to dysfunction or negative emotional response, no matter how close you are to orgasming or how much you want to continue, remember that their needs are also important. So many potentially healthy relationships are destroyed but this foolish mistake. It can be very frustrating to you, but can be equally soul crushing to verbally berate them of this. It will be the words you state in that moment that they will remembered more clearly than most, and resonate in their head the next time… if there is even a next time. If you choose to break them down, they you may caustically destroy their ability to be vulnerable with you.

We, as demisexuals, connect via emotional bond. Sexual intimacy is a very powerful way to cement that bond, if done in an open and supportive way.

This is the first article of this series, explaining “what”. Next will be more an exploration of “how” and later “why not”.

Demisexual, Demiromantic & Demisensual

The Three Dimensions of Connection-Based Attraction

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Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash

I had broken off a complicated long distance relationship, and my need to be held was overwhelming me. I had gone months without much more than a brief hug from a friend. I reached out to a woman, a close friend, whom I’d briefly dated but had a very affectionate bond with. I invited her over and we cooked dinner together.

Afterwards, we sat on the sofa and talked together. I massaged her feet and she massaged my neck. After a while of being present and affectionate with each other, we retired to the bedroom and spooned together, sleeping deeply. I had no romantic feelings for this woman, and despite her being very aesthetically attractive, I did not want to have sex with her. I actually possessed no attraction for her other than a need for sensual touch, and I truly needed to share a human moment. I slept like a baby that night in her arms.

The dynamics of human attraction are never as simple as black and white. Attraction, for some, comes with work if it ever comes at all. Humans bond for different reasons and in different ways, but the popular focus of society often is disproportionately invested in sexual attraction. The often fallacious claim that people of the “opposite sex” cannot be platonic friends is such a tired example of sex dominating interpersonal relationships, when the nuances of attraction are far more complicated and granular.

For simplicity, and brevity, most people who are capable of seeing someone as sexually attractive, even if they have no intention of acting on said attraction, can be referred to as allosexual. This, in and of itself, in not a sexual orientation, but a term to balance out it’s polar opposite, being asexual, which means the complete lack of sexual attraction towards others. As with most things in regards to the scope of human nature, these are polar extremes to a spectrum of attraction-capacity which is often referred to as grey-asexual, meaning infrequent or substantially reduced sexual attraction.

For more complexity, there is also those who are demisexual. Demisexuality is attraction to someone only after a strong emotion bond is formed, called connection. There is often a revelation moment for demisexuals where they see a friend or someone they are dating as sexually attractive. Before that, they may recognize someone is aesthetically attractive, such as someone who is heterosexual may observe in a same sex person they’re being objectively attractive, but without personal sexual attraction towards them. A demisexual may also, with experience, see people who are potentially someone they could connect with, but connection is never a certainty. There are some that would label this as normal, quite possibly by fellow demisexuals that are unaware of their true attraction-capacity, but we are a distinct and different type of person. Demi-erasure, much like bi-erasure, is a problem we deal with, and something I have discussed in past articles, and will again. For more being demisexual, please refer to my other articles.

But much like the nature of homosexuality, heterosexuality, bisexuality and the other variants of multi-gender attraction, so much is wrapped up in the sexual component of the word. There is more than one kind of attraction, and by extension, not all people experience them equality and in the same way. Excluding the already mentioned aesthetic attraction, there are three predominant attraction types that are often included in sexual orientations:

Romantic: The emotional attraction based on a desire to love and be in a relationship with someone, often colloquially referred as “having feelings”. Someone who is alloromantic is often wanting to date, spend time with and develop a romantic relationship with someone else. Someone who is aromantic often will not experience this attraction in a conventional sense, but may still seek out companionship, or even a queerplatonic relationship.

Sensual: The physical and emotional attraction based on a desire to touch someone in a non-sexual manner. This can involve intense hugs, dancing close, massage, holding hands, cuddling and even kissing. Someone who is allosensual can often be seen as highly affectionate with people, while someone who is asensual can seen touch phobic. One important reality, is that touch is a basic human need, and lacking adequate touch, called touch starvation, can have have adverse effects on people, emotionally and physically, even with those who are asensual.

Sexual: The predominantly physical sexual attraction where a desire to touch intimately, engage in sexual activity, pet, deeply kiss and explore another person’s body. Someone who is allosexual, in this specific sense, will experience this attraction, even if they don’t act on it. Someone who is intentionally celibate, but is allosexual, will recognize people they are sexually attracted but not pursue that attraction. An asexual will simply not feel sexual attraction towards others.

The sexual term is often used to encompass all of these. Someone who is heterosexual is often assumed to experience all of these to a certain level with those identifying and presenting as the opposite gender whom they are attracted to. But what about those that are identified as “players” or otherwise promiscuous, who often have sex with serial or multiple partners but never develop a desire or need for a relationship? What about those that enjoy sex, but don’t want to stay and spend time in post-coital afterglow and bonding with a partner, and are out of the bedroom as fast as they can be. While some undoubtedly are simply avoiding situations where deeper emotional attachments could develop, a great number of them may simply be, to some degree, aromantic and / or asensual.

And it’s in degrees that the spectrum of attraction-capacity exist for all three of these levels. A demiromantic may have never developed an emotional connection with someone to have that romantic attraction, while still being very sexual with people, unless they form a deep emotion connection. Someone can be demisensual, in needing to have a strong emotional connection to want cuddling and holding hands, but still experience romantic and / or sexual attraction. It is not uncommon for all three of these attractions to present themselves in different levels. They are all spectrums, and many people grouped under the demisexual identity, will have differentiation in each of them.

But what about people that experience attractions for more than one gender? The terms bisexual (attraction to two or more genders), polysexual (attraction to more than one gender, but not the same as polyamory), omnisexual (attraction to all genders, with gender being a factor) and pansexual (attraction to all genders, with gender not being a factor) encompass a large swath of multi-gender attraction orientations that broadly overlap, but with distinctions that are very important to some. I will add, that there is a bit of a conflict over pansexual and bisexual both alternately being trans and non-binary inclusive, or exclusive, and inherently phobic of the other. I will not address that here, but simply refer to them all as multi-gender attraction collectively.

That said, multi-gender attraction can have the same sexual, romantic and sensual attraction varieties in regards to one or more genders in different ways. There is a concept of “bi-cycles” or “panfluidity” that can change the degree of attraction a multi-gender attracted person will experience from time to time. Yet for others, these are set levels that rarely change. Some multi-gender attracted people will predominantly be sexually attracted to more than one gender, but only experience romantic and / or sensual attraction with a preferred gender. Societal factors can play a big part, as in many Western countries woman being sensual with other women is regarded as normal, while men much less so. Sensual connection with men in the West is often relegated to things like playful arm punches and rear swats in sports. Toxic masculinity, “hot bi babe” unicornism, and attraction-related insecurity often factor in how people view multi-gender attracted people.

This all can have the effect of making ones attractional nature hard to define. A person could be a hetero-allosexual / allosensual / demiromantic and homo-demisexual, homo-greysensual, homo-aromantic and enby-demisexual / demisensual, enby-aromantic, etc., but I highly recommend not unloading all of that on anyone else. These spectrums are very beneficial in understanding yourself, and unless you have a strong affinity to one or two, it’s probably best to keep things limited to the larger definitions as far as anyone else is concerned. Terms like heteroromantic / demisexual are typically all you’d need. I’ve found the term pandemi(c) particularly fun for someone who is panromantic and demisexual. Others would argue that demisexual encompasses all gender-based attractions as it’s based on emotional connection and not constrained by gender, but others are clearly asexual, aromantic and even asensual towards one or more genders.

This has all been an attempt to maps who you are and how you experience attraction, in the broader sense, that few things in life are strictly A or B. You are you. Demisexuals, and our other demi-variants, are often very misunderstood. I hope this helped you not misunderstand yourself and how very valid your capacity for attraction is.

Demisexual Disconnection

How To Break Or Mend When The Emotional Signal Is Lost

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Photo by Paul Garaizar on Unsplash

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of connection and the path to the feeling of worthiness. If it doesn’t feel vulnerable, the sharing is probably not constructive.” — Brene Brown

It was six months to the day, of that wonderful evening I’d spent with her. She’d approached me that evening with a comment about my clothing, and over a couple hours our conversation transitioned into dancing, cuddling together, kissing and sharing. She’d shown such beautiful vulnerability and I couldn’t help but be smitten, to form an emotional connection faster than I’d ever had before. She was kind, affectionate, playful and free. When she kissed me my knees went weak, and she was so beautiful in my eyes. This dancing enchantress had me completely under her spell.

Life can be cruel sometimes, and our attempts to see one another kept failing. It was as if the universe was stepping in to prevent us from having a relationship. After a few weeks, her interest in trying to see me had clearly subsided. While the door was never closed, be both agreed that seeing each other wasn’t in the cards then. We kept in contact via social media, but even in time that lessened.

I tried to move on, and after a couple months I went on a few dates with others. I realized much later that my heart just wasn’t in it. I would get the occasional like or comment from her, and my heart would leap. A single message could make my entire day, as well as confuse me greatly. I ached for something that wasn’t meant to be, and my thoughts drifted to her often. It was at this point that I reached out to a friend, to try to reconcile my feelings, to process and understand them. I came to realize that I was still emotionally bonded to her, deeply attracted to the woman she was. I couldn’t move on until I took steps to break this connection that now only existed for me. I needed to disconnect.

Sexual attraction comes in many flavors and varieties among people. People can be attracted to others of the same gender, opposite gender or some combination of all of the spectrum in between. Some can have and pursue more than romantic relationship ethically, whiles others can only handle loving one person. But there’s also the nature of sexual attraction as a capacity. Some people are asexual, experiencing no sexual attraction. Others are allosexual, experiencing primary sexual attraction based on the physical aspects of a person. Simply put, they see someone as hot and therefore are sexually attracted to them.

Others fall somewhere in between, grey asexuality, not always experiencing sexual attraction, but sometimes to a lesser degree. Whether or not they act upon this is another matter, but they are able to experience physical attraction without knowing a person deep down.

But there is another kind of grey asexual, known as demisexual. Demisexuals do not experience lasting sexual attraction based on physical aspects, but rather on a deep emotional connection. Our attraction is secondary, once we know a person in an emotionally intimate way. We are more inclined to become attracted to a person who is a close friend, rather than via conventional dating, because a sexy outfit doesn’t ensnare our desire, but a vulnerable heart does. Many will claim that this is normal, but we simply don’t find people beautiful on the outside, in a sexually attractive manner, until we see them as beautiful on the inside. I’ve written on this concept in the past, so for the sake of brevity will not go into more details now

The foundation of attraction, both initially and continuing, is through deep emotional connection. We as demisexuals can bond in many ways, sometimes over a long time and, while less common, sometimes rather quickly through a powerful shared experience. I’ve experienced connection a number of times in my life, and they formed in very different ways. Yet, when I saw who a person really was inside and realized they saw me for who I am, it was as if a veil was lifted from my eyes, and their attractiveness became quite overwhelming. The experience of how incredibly beautiful and sexy someone can become, when before you maybe didn’t even seen them as all that aesthetically attractive, is often a very powerful revelation.

But the nature of any connection is that it needs to be maintained. This is the one difficulty that many allosexuals will often have in a relationship with a demisexual person, we are not zero maintenance partners. You looking hot is not what keeps us desiring you. You being genuine and vulnerable is. A single cruel action can be devastating to our connection, and emotional wounds can be harder to heal that physical ones.

Still, when we have an unrequited connection, releasing it can be difficult. For some of us, it can be months, years, or even decades between these connections, and even an untenable or unhealthy connection can feel like a precious thing we can’t let go of easily. While many people will pine for lost love, for a demisexual a connection can makes us feel very human. We live in a highly sexualized world, and a connection can make us feel normal, or more accurately allonormative. When we don’t have a connection, we often feel like strangers in a strange land, with people going on about how hot celebrities and models are, and us just scratching our heads.

Disconnecting from a non viable relationship can be done, but as a demisexual you need to employ some emotional tools to break that connection. It can be painful, but freeing yourself can open up new possibilities. The friend I reached out to in regards to my earlier shared connection, a fellow demisexual, became my partner in time. Had I personally not disconnected, I would not have been able to be completely emotionally available with her. Here are some methods of breaking a hopeless connection:

  1. Identify the reasons you connected. Demisexual connection is not based on logical constructs, but emotional experience. We need to understand what were the feelings that allowed us to grow attracted to this person. Was it a shared conversation about a past trauma or a deeply personal wish? Was it time together, laughing and understanding one another? For my example, the way this past woman danced with me struck a chord, and she partner danced with me, which felt intimate. It was also the way she giggled, blushed and shared her vulnerability with me. For someone who is allosexual, it’s often something about them physically that attracted them initially. What is the thing that started you to see them as attractive. There’s always a tipping point and knowing that will help you understand the why. Once you know the why, you can start deconstructing it in your mind, chocking it up to something no longer relatable, to help diminish that connection.
  2. Determine what your new red flags are. In order to help sever an emotional connection, you need to identify things that now serve as red flags. Arguably, this is easier if the relationship has abusive or neglectful aspects to it, but even if no one did anything wrong, functional red flags can be identified to establish the closure your heart needs. In my case, the complete lack of her being interested anymore as anything other than a platonic friend was one. Another, was the realization that we were too different on fundamental levels. As a demisexual, we often can overlook things that could be deal breakers, because our emotional connection is our driving focus. In the way that an allosexual may lose attraction for a partner over a weight loss or gain, an overlooked habit or political view can become very powerful ally to break your connection with them. This isn’t assuming your person of attraction did anything wrong, but this serves as a tool to help separate your feelings and give reasons that the relationship isn’t viable emotionally.
  3. Establish distance. If this person is still in your life, on a regular basis, try to minimize interaction, as proximity can often complicate matters. Being around a person can easily reinforce your connection. If you work together, or live together, this can be exceedingly more difficult, but explain that you need a little personal distance to sort your feelings out. Physical distance can do much to aid you to building emotional distance.
  4. Give it time. There will be times you can disconnect quickly, almost instantly, but if you are struggling to release an unwanted connection, time and introspection will help. Refocus your attention on hobbies or work. Cultivate a new interest, or even binge watch a show that has nothing to do with relationships. In even a week’s time, that intense connection can and will begin to ease.
  5. There is strength in numbers. Spend time with friends and loved ones. For me, reaching out to a friend for perspective led to a closer friendship with her. In time I was thinking about my friend quite often and started to see how truly beautiful she was on the inside, and how breathtaking she was on the outside. We connected, fell for each other and she is was my partner for a while.

So, those are tools for ending a connection, but what about when your connection with someone weakens due to life and it’s bad habit of screwing with you? Stress in other areas of your life can filter into your relationships, and your partner or you having a bad day can sometimes result in damaging words said in the heat of the moment. If your relationship is abusive, I’d recommend in earnest counseling. However, if you just hit a bump, it will be of benefit to use the above five tools in a definitely different direction.

  1. Identify the reasons you connected. As above, understanding why and how you connected could lead you to recreate those same feelings again with a willing partner. Revisit the place where you had that intense conversation. Maybe recreate an emotionally charged date you had together. Spend an evening re-sharing stories you experienced to help rebuild your connection.
  2. Reinforce your original green flags. Remember the amazing things about your partner. Remember how easy it was to overlook those same habits that may have become annoying in time. See the person as a whole being, flawed and imperfect, and thus just as they should be. Remember the person you were originally attracted to, and find them again through the mire that weakened this view for you.
  3. Establish closeness. Distance will not help a weakened connection, and even if physical closeness isn’t an option, find ways to spend more time together. If you can, get away for a weekend at say a bed and breakfast. Or, take a couple days off and have a staycation, where you stay in bed too long and spend time just holding one another. Rebuild your emotional intimacy, even if it’s through video chat or long phone calls. Be with this person completely, and leave technological distractions on silent.
  4. Give it time. You may need some time to rebuild a waning connection, but with time and the perseverance of a willing partner, it can be done. If you took time to fall for them, you can do it again.
  5. There is strength in unity. Focus on making the time spent with your partner be quality time. Leave discussion of world events and finances to a minimum, instead address the value of each other. Avoid outside influences that may wish to lead you astray. Often times friends won’t be able to see what you saw in your partner, and what you wish to see again.

As demisexuals, we are wired so differently, and to many we are a type of unicorn partner for our capacity to be highly empathetic and attentive. But, we are not always easy partners to have if we are not valued. Reciprocity is very important for maintaining a connection, as one of the things we want the most for our partners is their happiness. We also can have a very hard time letting go. I hope these tools serve to aid you. I learned them the hard way. I wish for you to lead an easier path in your lives and connections.

Life is complicated, and stuff happens, but we’d give the sun, moon and stars to our partners, if they only share with, and value, our hearts.