Sexuality While Being Demisexual, Part 1

Photo by Farrinni on Unsplash

Article Series Note and Content Warning: This is a multi part series on demisexual sexuality. Having a familiarity with demisexuality, either previously or having read my initial article on the subject would be necessary to understand some of the terms here, which I will not redefine in detail. These articles will explore in depth many of the aspects of human sexuality from a demisexual’s perspective, so hopefully beneficial if you are demisexual or have a demisexual partner you’d like to understand better. These will also be rather detailed and potentially graphic in discussing sexual paradigms and techniques (potentially NSFW). I also will be using mostly physiological terms that a quick Wikipedia search may help for the unfamiliar.

“If we all knew that we were all perverts, we might be a lot happier.”—Heather O’Neill

Maria lay on my sofa, basking in her post orgasmic bliss. I’d gone down on her and she had been satisfied. She was the younger sister of neighbor, and a friendship had blossomed in the preceding weeks and during a moment of friendly hanging out, she’d made it clear she was into me. I liked her, but wasn’t connected with her, being I was as a demisexual yet did not know the term or what I truly was. Also, I was only days from moving away with no expectation of continuing things with her in this new direction. This wasn’t about my “getting off”, but rather sharing a human moment together. She reached for my belt buckle to undo it.

“Let’s just make tonight about you,” I expressed to her, stopping her attempt to undress me, and a playful smile spread across her lips. I just wanted to please her. I did.

As a demisexual, sexual intimacy can be quite complicated. Demisexuality is, put simply, the capacity for sexual attraction to others only once a deep emotional bond has been formed, called connection. We are on the spectrum of asexuality, with thoses that completly lack sexual attraction to others, and differ from their polar opposite, allosexuality, which is normal human sexual attraction based on physical observation. This basic difference, which is a valid difference, makes sex a different experience for us. We are not inclined to hook up, as our sexual nature is substantially different than most, and far from what many would deem as normal. We simply don’t see someone who is aesthetically attractive and have a desire to be sexual with them initially. But, when we have spent time with, communicated and experienced life with someone, the established emotional bond can flood us with as much sexual desire as anyone can experience.

But capacity of attraction is very much different than sexual drive itself. Libido is that sexual drive. A demisexual can have sexual yearnings without having a partner or even someone they are currently sexually attracted too. A demisexual can also be quite touch and sex phobic, as a result of how they are sexually wired, or as a result of deeply emotional and often traumatic past experiences. For some, sexuality can be limited to only self stimulation, such as masturbation, as well as enjoyment of erotic literature or even adult films. The discussion of the “use of pornography” can be quite convoluted and divisive among many people, but the nature of how erotica is approached will differ in many demisexuals, as some will be able to abstract themselves from the imagery, while others will envision themselves interacting with a theoretical partner. The difference is how we feel attraction to someone in real life, once connection has been formed.

But libido capacity speaks to the nature of sexual interaction with a partner, and I find myself drawing on the amazing resource videos by sexologist and intimacy coach Betty Martin, and her Wheel of Consent. I’ll offer a brief break down of the four sexual dynamics she discusses:

Giving (or serving): This is an active doing and giving act. Giving a sensual massage, service topping and performing oral intercourse are examples of acts that are done with the explicit intention of pleasing your partner.

Taking: This is an active doing and receiving act, such as active topping / domination, body worship, and playing with a partners body sexually.

Receiving: This is an passive being done to and receiving act, the counterpoint to giving, simply put lying back and enjoying being serviced, such as receiving oral intercourse, bottoming or being submissive.

Allowing: This is an passive being done to and giving act, the counterpoint to taking, such as service bottoming, allowing a partner to explore your body and be played with.

The point of sharing these is that they do much to express the complete range of sexual dynamics that we can experience as a sexual being, and sexual intimacy can often involve some if not all of them in a single shared experience. Yet, for some demisexuals, their attraction will only extend to the notion of allowing a sexual act to be done, because of a fairly sex phobic nature being overwhelmed by their rare sexual attraction to a partner with whom they’ve established a connection. While for many demisexuals, we often fall into the giving and serving dynamic, as our desire to please a partner becomes very powerful once the connection has occurred.

But sexual attraction is not required for sexual expression. As demisexuals, we are still human beings and the benefits of sexual activity are numerous, such as improving our immune system, reducing stress, pain and blood pressure, and even improving bladder control in women and helping to prevent enlarged prostates and cancer in men. But physiologically, sex can allow demisexuals to feel more human and normal, and some of us can and will have sex with ex partners, friends and the like for the emotional release and the sensual affection that can accompany it. Full asexuals have also been know to do the same, despite lacking attraction. Sexual dysfunction connected to lack of sexual attraction can inhibit some sexual capabilities, but simply defining sex as only penis-in-vagina or other penetrative acts and the rest as foreplay, is inherently sexist and dismissive of the immense range of human sexuality. Sometimes it comes down to a simple desire to get off with someone, or get someone else off, that is simply needed… often a more complicated reality for us.

Now let’s say you have an intimate partner, either via the often challenging process of dating as a demisexual, or having discovered a relationship via an emotional connection with a friend. Regardless of past experience, ability or talent, the two most fundamental concerns for being a good lover are simply establishing consent and having good communication with your partner. There is entirely too much shame about your sexual needs. Western society is steeped in a morass of guilt and insecurity about being sexual beings, yet this is unique only to the human animal. What hidden desire stimulates us is probably not unique, and to misappropriate on old Bible verse, there is nothing new under the sun.

In regards to establishing consent, it is necessary to understand there are two levels, clearly established and communicated consent by a partner, and when their actions are showing that they are not truly able to give consent, such as being drunk, otherwise impaired or emotionally-damaged. As a good partner, it is necessary to respect both, as not even marriage or a BDSM-related relationship grant you sovereign rights of the body of an intimate partner. Even during mind-blowing sex, consent can be withdrawn at any time, and not respecting that could devastate and destroy of persons sense of body autonomy. Asking for consent, may not seem sexy, but assuming it can damage a healthy relationship.

In much a connecting manner, this leads into communication of needs and desires. Communication in all aspect of a sexual relationship, any relationship really, is essential. No one is a perfect lover to everyone at first, and often it takes a couple intimate encounters to figure out how to touch and please a lover in the ways they need. This is an area where hookup culture fails, because that kind of sex is typically only for personal gratification. As a demisexual, we need a bit more.

In really comes down to open and vulnerable communication. The heat of the moment may lead to difficulty initially opening this conversation, but post-coital bonding is an ideal time to open a dialogue about what worked or didn’t. In the kink scene, this is called aftercare and is just as valuable an experience for even the most vanilla of trysts. But, prior to that, use your intuition. If your partner is responding to your actions, continue. If they aren’t switch it up. A simple “is this good” can go a long way. This simple inquiry can often open the flood gates, as simply asking a partner about their needs can achieve both greater emotional intimacy and often encourage exploration of what they truly enjoy but may be nervous to share.

What about communicating your needs? That can be tricky if you don’t know what you like, so time and experience may be needed. There is an abundance of selfish lovers out there, and many simply won’t care about what you need. If you share that you don’t enjoy something they do, or something that they are unwilling to try within reason, then you are again dealing with a potentially selfish lover. The desire to try to be a skilled lover, having the capacity to be giving in nature and being willing to step out of your comfort zone to try new things for your partners pleasure, or your own, can be summed up and being good, giving and game… an imperfect term but denoting a partner who is likely to be a more compatible, and reciprocal lover with others. You can’t change the nature of your partners, if they are unwilling to change. Asking someone to try doing something different isn’t an antagonistic action if done in a non-accusatory manner. Maybe offer something like “can we try this like this” to try to communicate your desires.

But a great deal of people have a weird sense of pride in their assumed sexual prowess. Despite the irony of shame, some people will not deal well with the requests to change how they perform sexually as it diminishes some sense of their ego. I remember an ex girlfriend who was offended when I asked her to stop doing something that was causing me quite displeasurable pain, and it angered her greatly that I dared to question her skill at sex. News flash, people, most people aren’t amazing lovers, but most have the capacity to become good lovers, if not great, via communication. Just because a past partner loved what you did doesn’t mean the next one will. Something you do, that may be quite adept with one, could trigger some deep anxiety or discomfort in another. I can think of several past lovers that felt uncomfortable about my going down on them, mostly due to societal misogynist fears about a woman’s natural scent, but also by the words and actions of their past loved ones and partners. As being able to do this with a partner is important to me, in time they learned to appreciate the experience, due to my simply working within their comfort levels, exploring, experimenting and eventually showing them that nothing bad was going to happen—quite the opposite really and all initiated via open and vulnerable communication.

Still, some will never step back from what they want and are willing to do, despite being fundamentally incompatible with your needs. It may be time, as a demisexual, to cease sexual intimacy with such a partner, as disconnection is often inevitable with this kind of a partner.

Great, but what about initiating sexual intimacy with a reciprocal and open partner? Again, having a partner doesn’t guarantee sex on demand ever. There are many factors that can affect a persons sexual desire. Work, family concerns, money worries, health and physical exhaustion all can dramatically impact anyone’s desire and even ability to sexually perform. A lot of undue pressure is put on people who are cisgender male about being a man. Erectile dysfunction is very common, and even one occurrence can be devastating. It is important to understand that there are many factors that can cause erectile dysfunction, and for a demisexual male, disconnection (even temporarily) is one more. Taking a partner’s sexual dysfunction personally, and communicating that to them is possibly the worst response you can have and often guaranteeing that it will continue to happen. There are many other things that can be done to build and share sexual intimacy together. Still, gender aside, sexual dysfunction can and often will affect everyone as some point in their life.

If you fear your partner may not be up for sex, instead of directly asking for it first, instead ask how they feel. A sincere inquiry into their well being can change the perception of being asked for sex to be more sincere desire and attraction, and less personal expectation. But do ask, if you think the answer may be yes. If sex is off the table, it may be worthwhile to ask if they’d like to cuddle and spend some time together in a more affectionate manner. A little time nuzzling, kissing and holding each other can be equally wonderful, and even potentially ignite a quenched fire—but don’t expect it will, just be happy if the embers do kindle. This will also do much to strengthen your emotional intimacy.

Another important thing to consider, if your partner needs to stop in the middle of sex, or is unable to continue whether due to dysfunction or negative emotional response, no matter how close you are to orgasming or how much you want to continue, remember that their needs are also important. So many potentially healthy relationships are destroyed but this foolish mistake. It can be very frustrating to you, but can be equally soul crushing to verbally berate them of this. It will be the words you state in that moment that they will remembered more clearly than most, and resonate in their head the next time… if there is even a next time. If you choose to break them down, they you may caustically destroy their ability to be vulnerable with you.

We, as demisexuals, connect via emotional bond. Sexual intimacy is a very powerful way to cement that bond, if done in an open and supportive way.

This is the first article of this series, explaining “what”. Next will be more an exploration of “how” and later “why not”.

It Happens To Little Boys Too

Not All of the Monsters are Men

Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Trigger warning: Sexual trauma, hate speech, child molestation and abuse are discussed

Note for reposted article: I originally wrote this article in July 2018, and it was the most difficult thing I’ve ever written. I had significant personal fallout as a result of it, and subsequently took it offline for a while. I’m sharing it again, to be a voice for those that can’t say what I did here. If this article speaks to you, you are not alone. Many thousands of people read this article, and the positive support was overwhelming. This happened, and it continues to happen. Be strong, and know you are loved, and still a man.

“The child I was is just one breath away from me.” — Sheniz Janmohamed

I heard him say “I thought so,” and the words cut right through me like a knife. He knew, he had suspected, and of course he had done nothing about it. I always knew my father never loved me, but I believed he should know. I needed to tell someone. I was crying into the phone, my hand aching with how tightly I clenched the receiver in my hand. My world was crashing down on me with the weight of knowing, and I had needed to say the words, actually speak them out loud.

“My mother molested me.”

Families often have traditions and mine was no different. There was an insidious pattern of sexual abuse going back a long way in mine. My grandfather experienced it and my mother did as well. When my mother had a son, she continued that ugly tradition.

My father’s idea of love was making a paycheck and tolerating his two children. He believed that sparing the rod only spoiled the child, and I was in no way ever spoiled. Nearly anything could set him off, described by one therapist as a non-alcoholic alcoholic, but his savage beatings left little to no mark on me emotionally. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized I had been physically abused at all, completely deluded. Still, I don’t see him as anything other than a weak man devoid of love, who never wanted the children that trapped him with my mother.

My mother was a controlling, manipulative, narcissistic woman who doted on her daughter like a princess, but seemed conflicted about her son, a mere toad. As a child I strongly resembled her father, her own abuser, and that seemed to cause her distress. I was the other child, the quiet one, the annoyance. I existed to financially support her when I was to grow into an adult, and she actively did what she could to dissuade me from ever having a girlfriend, actually hoping I would be gay and never marry. She would always comment about how disgusting other women were, and was constantly belittling, insulting and emotionally abusing me. I could never do anything right, and she made sure I knew that. Every success I had, she would knock down — a habit she’d learned from her father.

I wasn’t a happy child growing up, but usually was very withdrawn. For much of my young life I showed little to no emotion at all. I was also very obese, with my first concept of body image born out of being called “fatso” by other school children, when I was only six years old. I was painfully awkward, and picked on a great deal, and when I started noticing girls at a much too young age, I didn’t know how to feel or talk to them. My first date didn’t occur until I was 16, and while it seemed nice at the time, it went nowhere. I simply didn’t know how to talk to girls, and they scared the hell of of me.

As a young adult, I would become smitten with girls I knew and would suffer it alone in silence, knowing that they didn’t like me in return. My family would actively sabotage, while seeming to be helpful, any interaction I had with the few girls that showed any interest in me at all. I remember going to dance clubs, dancing with friends, and all I wanted was to dance with someone on the last slow dance of the night. Many female friends would concede, but I was always alone. I had a couple first dates that never had seconds, and every last one of them made me feel more alone.

When I was 23, my father asked me if I’d lost my virginity yet. On a hunch I lied and said I had. His was response was disturbing as he retorted, “good, I was starting to think you were a faggot!” Out of a need to not bring down his religious ire and my regret for having lied to him, I promptly found a prostitute in a local sex paper and paid to no longer be a virgin. When I got home that night, I took a scalding hot shower trying to wash the disgust and shame away, sobbing uncontrollably on the shower floor. I was no longer a virgin, but I had still not ever kissed a woman.

Despite contemplating suicide much of my young life, I managed to find a woman was willing to marry me, my first ever girlfriend at 25 with whom I had a deeply unhealthy relationship with, and I still struggled in so many ways to relate to her. My mother’s attempt to scare her away by me pushing me to propose to her backfired and we married very quickly. My mother still had so much control over my life, and soon knowing my wife was pregnant with our child, I needed to sort myself out and attempt to be a good father. I went to a therapist, and after a short time, the memories of what had happened when I was a little boy starting to flood back. My own mother had sexually abused me in numerous ways, and I could barely hold myself together.

I broke off family ties, to protect my child, and I never saw my mother again. My first marriage deteriorated not long after.

Sexual trauma is not something you can just get over. As an adult, one instance can have significant impact on the rest of your life. When it happens as a young child, it’s imprinted into your very being. I remember some psychologist writing that being sexual molested as a young child creates a second gender identity — for me the healthy male was never an option, but the survivor male is who I became. All the times I held a blade to my wrist, a gun to my temple or stood atop a high railing looking down at my potential death, I stepped back. I’m still here and I’m still alive. But the shadow of what happened to me is felt in my every interaction with a woman, once I pass the friendship threshold. On a certain deep level, I will probably never completely extricate the fact that a woman was the monster that hurt me as a little defenseless boy, and to make it worse, it was the one person that was supposed to protect me from all the monsters out there.

What happened wasn’t pleasurable in any way. It was a violation, painful and ugly. Sex is still confusing to me, but with a lot of work, reading and mistakes, I’ve become good at being an attentive lover. It can take a while for me to actually enjoy sex, so my focus has led to interests beyond traditional coitus to allow for that time. I don’t feel a deep longing in my Southern regions often until I build a connection with a woman, one that is usually only found on the other side of trust being built. Some woman are unable or unwilling to reach that place with me. As a result I don’t rush to have sex, and when I do get there it means a lot to me. Yet still to this day, the thing that has more emotional impact on me, that makes me feel whole, is when a woman just holds me, loves me, and let’s me know that she won’t hurt me. Some men have elaborate fantasies, but that has always been mine.

But what further complicates matters is many don’t want to believe me when I’ve shared this part of me. I’ve had people in my life, partners included, who told me to suck it up and get over it, that it didn’t happen, and to just be a man about it. Some think it’s funny to say “nice” and that it’s something to joke about. Others have reacted with frightened revulsion, calling me sick and disgusting to ever think a mother can do something like that. I’ve even had a therapist respond “now why do you want to believe that happened to you?” as if it’s some delusion I make up to feel special? I didn’t want this. I don’t want to tremble when a woman I’m with touches me for the first few times. I don’t want to afraid of a woman I’m attracted to. I don’t want that deep down feeling that I’m sullied and not worth being loved by anyone. I’ve come to terms with this, and healed myself, but it doesn’t ever completely go away. Tears are falling now as I write this.

To be very clear, I am very much a committed feminist and ally — my mother was a victim too. I’ve had supposed feminists tell me that to talk about this is to somehow hurting women, and that I should not say anything that could make women look like the predators they have to deal with. One told me “now you know how we feel, good!” It’s as if my experiences could tarnish all the hard work they’ve done to protect woman and girls from sexual abuse. It’s as if I deserved it, to pay for the sins of other men. I don’t hate women, I’m the father of a woman now. I am writing this because I’m not the only man that lives with this. I’m not alone, and other men you know may have survived child molestation, some by female caretakers and family. It happens to us too.

I broke the chain of abuse, and I didn’t pass this horrid family tradition on to my children. I am here, living my life and trying my best to be a good and loving man and father. I carried this secret within me, and I’m here to say it happened and to be seen. I was hurt, but I healed. I was violated, but I’m standing proud. I wasn’t loved, but I will love openly, fiercely and freely!


Demisexual, Demiromantic & Demisensual

The Three Dimensions of Connection-Based Attraction

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Photo by Christin Hume on Unsplash

I had broken off a complicated long distance relationship, and my need to be held was overwhelming me. I had gone months without much more than a brief hug from a friend. I reached out to a woman, a close friend, whom I’d briefly dated but had a very affectionate bond with. I invited her over and we cooked dinner together.

Afterwards, we sat on the sofa and talked together. I massaged her feet and she massaged my neck. After a while of being present and affectionate with each other, we retired to the bedroom and spooned together, sleeping deeply. I had no romantic feelings for this woman, and despite her being very aesthetically attractive, I did not want to have sex with her. I actually possessed no attraction for her other than a need for sensual touch, and I truly needed to share a human moment. I slept like a baby that night in her arms.

The dynamics of human attraction are never as simple as black and white. Attraction, for some, comes with work if it ever comes at all. Humans bond for different reasons and in different ways, but the popular focus of society often is disproportionately invested in sexual attraction. The often fallacious claim that people of the “opposite sex” cannot be platonic friends is such a tired example of sex dominating interpersonal relationships, when the nuances of attraction are far more complicated and granular.

For simplicity, and brevity, most people who are capable of seeing someone as sexually attractive, even if they have no intention of acting on said attraction, can be referred to as allosexual. This, in and of itself, in not a sexual orientation, but a term to balance out it’s polar opposite, being asexual, which means the complete lack of sexual attraction towards others. As with most things in regards to the scope of human nature, these are polar extremes to a spectrum of attraction-capacity which is often referred to as grey-asexual, meaning infrequent or substantially reduced sexual attraction.

For more complexity, there is also those who are demisexual. Demisexuality is attraction to someone only after a strong emotion bond is formed, called connection. There is often a revelation moment for demisexuals where they see a friend or someone they are dating as sexually attractive. Before that, they may recognize someone is aesthetically attractive, such as someone who is heterosexual may observe in a same sex person they’re being objectively attractive, but without personal sexual attraction towards them. A demisexual may also, with experience, see people who are potentially someone they could connect with, but connection is never a certainty. There are some that would label this as normal, quite possibly by fellow demisexuals that are unaware of their true attraction-capacity, but we are a distinct and different type of person. Demi-erasure, much like bi-erasure, is a problem we deal with, and something I have discussed in past articles, and will again. For more being demisexual, please refer to my other articles.

But much like the nature of homosexuality, heterosexuality, bisexuality and the other variants of multi-gender attraction, so much is wrapped up in the sexual component of the word. There is more than one kind of attraction, and by extension, not all people experience them equality and in the same way. Excluding the already mentioned aesthetic attraction, there are three predominant attraction types that are often included in sexual orientations:

Romantic: The emotional attraction based on a desire to love and be in a relationship with someone, often colloquially referred as “having feelings”. Someone who is alloromantic is often wanting to date, spend time with and develop a romantic relationship with someone else. Someone who is aromantic often will not experience this attraction in a conventional sense, but may still seek out companionship, or even a queerplatonic relationship.

Sensual: The physical and emotional attraction based on a desire to touch someone in a non-sexual manner. This can involve intense hugs, dancing close, massage, holding hands, cuddling and even kissing. Someone who is allosensual can often be seen as highly affectionate with people, while someone who is asensual can seen touch phobic. One important reality, is that touch is a basic human need, and lacking adequate touch, called touch starvation, can have have adverse effects on people, emotionally and physically, even with those who are asensual.

Sexual: The predominantly physical sexual attraction where a desire to touch intimately, engage in sexual activity, pet, deeply kiss and explore another person’s body. Someone who is allosexual, in this specific sense, will experience this attraction, even if they don’t act on it. Someone who is intentionally celibate, but is allosexual, will recognize people they are sexually attracted but not pursue that attraction. An asexual will simply not feel sexual attraction towards others.

The sexual term is often used to encompass all of these. Someone who is heterosexual is often assumed to experience all of these to a certain level with those identifying and presenting as the opposite gender whom they are attracted to. But what about those that are identified as “players” or otherwise promiscuous, who often have sex with serial or multiple partners but never develop a desire or need for a relationship? What about those that enjoy sex, but don’t want to stay and spend time in post-coital afterglow and bonding with a partner, and are out of the bedroom as fast as they can be. While some undoubtedly are simply avoiding situations where deeper emotional attachments could develop, a great number of them may simply be, to some degree, aromantic and / or asensual.

And it’s in degrees that the spectrum of attraction-capacity exist for all three of these levels. A demiromantic may have never developed an emotional connection with someone to have that romantic attraction, while still being very sexual with people, unless they form a deep emotion connection. Someone can be demisensual, in needing to have a strong emotional connection to want cuddling and holding hands, but still experience romantic and / or sexual attraction. It is not uncommon for all three of these attractions to present themselves in different levels. They are all spectrums, and many people grouped under the demisexual identity, will have differentiation in each of them.

But what about people that experience attractions for more than one gender? The terms bisexual (attraction to two or more genders), polysexual (attraction to more than one gender, but not the same as polyamory), omnisexual (attraction to all genders, with gender being a factor) and pansexual (attraction to all genders, with gender not being a factor) encompass a large swath of multi-gender attraction orientations that broadly overlap, but with distinctions that are very important to some. I will add, that there is a bit of a conflict over pansexual and bisexual both alternately being trans and non-binary inclusive, or exclusive, and inherently phobic of the other. I will not address that here, but simply refer to them all as multi-gender attraction collectively.

That said, multi-gender attraction can have the same sexual, romantic and sensual attraction varieties in regards to one or more genders in different ways. There is a concept of “bi-cycles” or “panfluidity” that can change the degree of attraction a multi-gender attracted person will experience from time to time. Yet for others, these are set levels that rarely change. Some multi-gender attracted people will predominantly be sexually attracted to more than one gender, but only experience romantic and / or sensual attraction with a preferred gender. Societal factors can play a big part, as in many Western countries woman being sensual with other women is regarded as normal, while men much less so. Sensual connection with men in the West is often relegated to things like playful arm punches and rear swats in sports. Toxic masculinity, “hot bi babe” unicornism, and attraction-related insecurity often factor in how people view multi-gender attracted people.

This all can have the effect of making ones attractional nature hard to define. A person could be a hetero-allosexual / allosensual / demiromantic and homo-demisexual, homo-greysensual, homo-aromantic and enby-demisexual / demisensual, enby-aromantic, etc., but I highly recommend not unloading all of that on anyone else. These spectrums are very beneficial in understanding yourself, and unless you have a strong affinity to one or two, it’s probably best to keep things limited to the larger definitions as far as anyone else is concerned. Terms like heteroromantic / demisexual are typically all you’d need. I’ve found the term pandemi(c) particularly fun for someone who is panromantic and demisexual. Others would argue that demisexual encompasses all gender-based attractions as it’s based on emotional connection and not constrained by gender, but others are clearly asexual, aromantic and even asensual towards one or more genders.

This has all been an attempt to maps who you are and how you experience attraction, in the broader sense, that few things in life are strictly A or B. You are you. Demisexuals, and our other demi-variants, are often very misunderstood. I hope this helped you not misunderstand yourself and how very valid your capacity for attraction is.