Constructive Thoughts On That Most Intimate Kiss
Content Warning: This is a rather detailed and potentially graphic article discussing sexual techniques (NSFW). I also will be using mostly physiological terms that a quick Wikipedia search may help for the unfamiliar.
“Cunnilingus is a girl’s best friend. Cunnilingus is life. Everything else is just waiting. An orgasm during cunnilingus turns you into an angel. You grow wings and glimpse paradise.”—Chloe Thurlow
She arched her back and cried out once more, the sweat dripping from her body onto the bed sheets. My hands where upon her breasts, wrapped around her thighs, but the rest of me was much lower. Looking up at her heaving body was a glorious sight to see, and the joy I felt wasn’t in my own physical pleasure but in the idea that I was pleasing her, making this moment about her needs and wants. I could see that she was spent, so I stopped my intimate attentions and just listened her breathing. “I didn’t know I could have multiples,” she gasped as I smiled up at her and said nothing, but held her feeling it a little bittersweet that she’d only learnt this about herself now, but pleased I could share it with her. Ten minutes later we were fast asleep, me holding her close. I’d felt satisfied on an emotional level, and was contented with our time together.
Human sexuality is a complex thing, and as a source of so many comedians, also a source of conflict. Heteronormative attitudes place such a focus of coitus, penis in vagina sex, that much of human sexual expression is minimized into the dreaded f-word—foreplay. As Eloise Stark’s eloquent article stated:
The term foreplay is very much the result of the heterosexual penetrative way sex is defined in our culture, which treats penis-in-vagina penetration as the core of sexual interactions.
Cunnilingus is often downplayed as merely an appetizer to the main event, when in truth it very much stands alone on its own beauty and merit. As someone who has a complex identity with my own sexual needs and wants, performing cunnilingus on women with whom I’ve been intimate has often been my favorite form of sexual expression.
I will make this disclaimer in this article: I refer to women as those people physically possessing of a vagina, in whatever states that is, whether cisgender, transgender, intersex or any other non-binary identity. Much of what I share here could be applied to any person, and I don’t wish to be minimizing to anyone. I will be speaking more in regards to the plumbing, and not the person. This is more to not require extensive clarification each and everything time I simply use woman as a reference to a partner.
That clarified, society has done an ugly job of making many women dismiss their sexuality, and view their body, as inherently disgusting. A woman in full embrace of her own sexuality is a glorious thing to behold, her body doubly so. There is nothing gross or dirty about human sexuality, and believing so is only doing a disservice to yourself. A woman is beautiful, and a goddess within her own right, and definitely worthy of consensual worship.
Unfortunately, cunnilingus is an area many simply don’t know how to do, and many woman haven’t been able to enjoy it performed competently. A large part of this disconnect is the disservice that the adult entertainment industry has done to show patently poor techniques for this amazing intimate act. Remember, porn exists for the imagery, not the actors. The comedic portrayal of a softly flicking and visible tongue isn’t going to get the job done right for the vast majority.
So, what are sound techniques? Well, for start, no two women are exactly alike. It’s in the process that you can find out what works for them. Some women have hang ups about their body, their ability to relax and enjoy the experience of a competent tongue working it’s magic could take several sessions to yield its ecstatic fruits, or possibly never. But if the intention is to provide as much sincere pleasure as possible, then the experience should be good for everyone. I will outline some basics things to try:
Work your way there. Particularly if this is your first time with this partner, take a bit of time getting to the deep South. Start with kissing her lips passionately, followed by nuzzling and kissing her neck, breasts, navel, and culminating with her inner thighs. Brush your lips gently against her skin, as if to hint at what’s to come. Diving right in can be jarring and a bit of teasing can be fun to slowing build up anticipation. Those last few moments before reaching her can really build up sensitivity and expectation. Don’t neglect kissing around the region of the labia majora and mons pubis. Your hands should be used to caress her torso and thighs as well, as you move to her clitoral hood.
Explore slowly. The initial focus should be on direct stimulation of the clitoris. Each woman is anatomically different, and some people place too much effort on hair removal and the visibility of the labia minora, but as long as a woman is healthy and hygienic, her vulva is beautiful and perfect as it is. Some will have a larger clitoral hood, where as some will have a nearly completely exposed clitoris. A woman’s weight, past and present, can affect the geography, but it is up to you to be a stalwart adventurer in discovering her treasures within. Lift up her clitoral hood with your tongue, or if needed pulling the skin taught on her mons pubis and start moving your tongue around and across her clitoris rhythmically. There is a silly technique that inexperienced people often employ where they will write out the alphabet with their tongue, but most women will want you to buy a vowel! Stick with consistent linear or circular motion. Some women will enjoy you sliding her tongue up inside of her, if you can. Believe it or not, occasional stretching of your tongue, by trying to reach your nose or chin, can help strengthen and make your tongue more limber. If you are blessed with a longer tongue, a lot of deeper exploration can occur, to the bliss of your partner. Also, encompass the vulva with your mouth. Another synonym of cunnilingus is cunnilinctus mean linking of the mouth to the vagina. The further away you are from her vulva, the less capability your tongue has. Sometimes humming slightly can increase her stimulation. Keep varying techniques slowly until she is responding. Don’t be afraid to ask if something is working, or not working. Make this experience all about her sensation and ecstasy.
If it’s working, don’t change anything. The classic rookie move is to speed up your tongue movement as she is responding more—don’t! If she is enjoying herself, keep it constant and steady. As mentioned before, a lot of ugly attitudes can make even the seemingly most confident woman have insecurities that can hamper her ability to relax and climax. Keep things consistent if she is responding. It is entirely possible that she might not be able to climax at first, but try your best to give her as much pleasure as possible. If things get messy, who cares, just keep going. Your tongue can and will become tired in longer sessions, but I promise it won’t fall off. You will not get a case of “carpal tongual syndrome”, and more practice will increase your stamina. If she does reach orgasm, hold on to her thighs and brace for anything. Some women climax gracefully, some damn near buck like a bronco. Ride through and keep going. She may have more orgasms in her, so why not help her enjoy them? It’s entirely possible that she may actually ejaculate, colloquially know as squirting. Nothing coming out will not be sterile, so don’t sweat it. She may become too sensitive, and motion or ask you to stop at any point. If she does, immediately stop and withdraw slowing as her sensitivity may border on painful.
There’s also more than just the clitoris. While you are engaged in cunnilingus, let your hands explore and caress her body. If you have one, or both, hands free then use them to search out and tease or gently pinch her nipples. This can do much to enhance her sensation if she enjoys this. Caress her body lovingly, lightly dragging your fingertips, maybe your nails across her tummy or outer thighs. Sliding free fingers inside her and gentle stimulation of particularly the anterior vagina wall can also heighten her pleasure, perhaps by moving your fingers right to left. By all means make sure you have trimmed nails without sharp edges. Invest in a good nail set if you don’t own one, maybe even a manicure. Make love to her in every way you can.
Use caution if going further South. Cunnilingus can be followed with anilingus, also knows as analingus or more vulgarly “eating ass”, but caution and preparation must be considered. Unlike the vagina, a host of unpleasant bacteria thrive around the back door. Douching, more accurately called enemas, can mediate these risks. Don’t base your ideas on what’s safe with the content of modern erotica as those performers take a lot of precautions. Typically if you tongue her anus you’ll want to leave the vagina alone, so make the choice to return only if she’s bathed, cleaned out and is completely okay with the risks. I could write an entire article about this particular act, but that isn’t my focus now.
There are also concerns of safer sex practices with dining down below. Sex in any form can carry risk of sexually transmitted infection. Obviously, getting tested is a necessity, but with newer partners there are ways you can protect each other. Dental dams can be used as a protective barrier, with a drop of lube on the vaginal side can increase comfort and natural sensation. Simply hold the dam with one widely spread hand over the vulva region and dive in. This is also an option if your partner is concerned with her menstrual cycle, which is a personal choice and concern. Plastic wrap can serve in a pinch if you don’t have dams. The point is to have fun, as well as protect one another. Experiment, laugh a little and enjoy each other.
The nature of oral copulation has the giver in the “doing” side of consent, as illustrated by Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent yet can be a great source of emotional and sensual pleasure for the giver as well. Reciprocity should factor in healthy sexual relationships though. Many of us have had selfish partners that wanted to be pampered like royalty, but not return the favor. It can feel very good to take care of a person’s sexual fulfillment, but if your needs aren’t also being met it can grow empty and later emotionally painful. Always strive to give as good as you get, if not better.
It may seem odd for a man to be sharing this, but cunnilingus is an area of great personal interest and past sexual exploration for me. I have loved pleasing past partners, and that was much my motivation to finding better ways to increase their pleasure, and hopefully happiness as well. Fulfilling fantasies and satisfying needs has the benefits of it’s own emotion rewards and can do much to improve sexual intimacy and emotional connection. Communication is always critical, but good orgasms don’t hurt either.